Where The Heart Is

Please Note: Tissues May Be Required

It's true, I haven't been myself for more than two months. I mentioned exhaustion a few times and some of you made the connection. My whole life, I have always wanted at least two kids. I never thought I'd end up having a baby so late in life but things just worked out that way. My son is beautiful, funny, smart and wise beyond his years. He's everything I've ever wanted and more. I never stopped thinking about having a second after he was born. We were stuck in a condo for years longer than we wanted because we kept getting outbid on houses and there was very little inventory on the market in the areas with good schools. Finally, we bought a house last fall and recently felt settled enough to think about having another baby.

Even though I did feel that time was running out, I ended up feeling terrified when I found out I was pregnant. I had second doubts because of my age and I knew that having another caesarean was not going to be easy. My husband lovingly assured me that I was just in shock and that time would prove that it's what I really wanted. He was right and soon fear turned to excitement and happiness. Over the past two months, we mentioned the possibility of a little brother or sister to our son. At first, he was apprehensive but soon he started talking about it as if it was going to be a reality.

At my age, pregnancy is much harder that I imagined and of course it's been almost four years since I was last pregnant. Time makes a huge difference. I'd never felt exhaustion like that and that really hindered my creativity. I did my best to keep up with my design team work which was my priority. Anything above and beyond that was extra which meant skipping any creating for pleasure and even publication calls. I missed two of my favourites and that made me feel sad, even guilty. Crafty friends told me I was crazy to feel guilty. Maybe that's true but it's how I felt at the time. In hindsight, I can see how ridiculous that was.

I was already showing at two months. I couldn't believe how my belly just popped. When I was pregnant with my son, I didn't even show 'til I was four months along. When I went shopping for maternity clothes, I tried on quite a few tops but when I put on a dress and my son said, "Mommy, you look beautiful, like a princess!" Of course, my heart melted and I had to buy that dress. I couldn't wait to wear it.

About ten days ago, I had my first appointment with my obstetrician and that is always the most exciting appointment. My son and I got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. They let him move the monitor around and even squirt the gel for the ultrasound. Last weekend, I started getting signs that something was wrong but it wasn't alarming. Then on Monday, the real trouble began. I called my obstetrician and she immediately had me schedule an ultrasound. Needless to say, I started panicking.

On Tuesday, during the ultrasound, the technician's body language told me I was going to get bad news. My son asked her where the baby was and she shook her head. Then he said, "The baby's good at playing hide and seek." When she asked me if I would mind doing an internal ultrasound, too, I knew that couldn't be good. She had me change into a gown and my son said, "That's really unbeautiful, Mommy." I had to laugh at that. Afterwards, I promised to take my son to the toy shop since he was well-behaved. While he played, I fought back the tears. Whenever the salespeople walked by, I turned my head away and pretend I was looking at the other toys 'cause I was afraid the tears would just spill out.

When we got home, I called my obstetrician to get the results. She said that she was sorry but she didn't have good news. I had lost the baby. I felt strangely calm while she explained what may have happened but there really is no explanation for these sorts of things. I listened while she told me what needed to happen next and gave me options to choose from. I told her I would have to think about it and call her back. Then I sat down next to my son and told him. He could tell I was upset and asked me not to be upset. I couldn't stop the tears from pouring out at that point and I told him it was hard not to be upset. It was a big deal. He wrapped his arms around me and we just both cried. A little while later, I called my husband at the office to tell him. There were more tears and he said he would leave right after his meeting was over and come home early. Right after that, I called my mom and cried some more. At the end of the conversation, she told me that she just wanted me to be happy no matter what happens. When my husband got home, he took our son out so I could be alone. I deal with my emotions much better this way. I think I bawled my eyes out for a good three hours.

A couple days later, I was sad to think that I would never wear the dress that my son and I loved so much. The boutique normally doesn't take returns but when I explained what happened, they agreed to refund it for me. I hated that I would never get to wear it but I didn't want to keep it either because it would just be a sad reminder and the money was better spent elsewhere. Now my son refers to that dress as "the girl dress that we took back". I love that he can make me smile even when my heart is broken. Needless to say, we have really spoiled him these last few days.

So that's why I haven't been around much. After I'm done with the physical healing, I'm really looking forward to blog surfing and seeing what all of you have been up to. I'm starting to feel a little more creative so hopefully I can even start participating in challenges again. Just know that I appreciate all of your kind comments here on the blog and private emails of concern. It really shows that you care about me even though I've been entirely absent for almost three months now. I feel exceptionally lucky to have such wonderful friends. I love each and every one of you.