Saturday, May 19, 2012

Where The Heart Is

Please Note: Tissues May Be Required

It's true, I haven't been myself for more than two months. I mentioned exhaustion a few times and some of you made the connection. My whole life, I have always wanted at least two kids. I never thought I'd end up having a baby so late in life but things just worked out that way. My son is beautiful, funny, smart and wise beyond his years. He's everything I've ever wanted and more. I never stopped thinking about having a second after he was born. We were stuck in a condo for years longer than we wanted because we kept getting outbid on houses and there was very little inventory on the market in the areas with good schools. Finally, we bought a house last fall and recently felt settled enough to think about having another baby.

Even though I did feel that time was running out, I ended up feeling terrified when I found out I was pregnant. I had second doubts because of my age and I knew that having another caesarean was not going to be easy. My husband lovingly assured me that I was just in shock and that time would prove that it's what I really wanted. He was right and soon fear turned to excitement and happiness. Over the past two months, we mentioned the possibility of a little brother or sister to our son. At first, he was apprehensive but soon he started talking about it as if it was going to be a reality.

At my age, pregnancy is much harder that I imagined and of course it's been almost four years since I was last pregnant. Time makes a huge difference. I'd never felt exhaustion like that and that really hindered my creativity. I did my best to keep up with my design team work which was my priority. Anything above and beyond that was extra which meant skipping any creating for pleasure and even publication calls. I missed two of my favourites and that made me feel sad, even guilty. Crafty friends told me I was crazy to feel guilty. Maybe that's true but it's how I felt at the time. In hindsight, I can see how ridiculous that was.

I was already showing at two months. I couldn't believe how my belly just popped. When I was pregnant with my son, I didn't even show 'til I was four months along. When I went shopping for maternity clothes, I tried on quite a few tops but when I put on a dress and my son said, "Mommy, you look beautiful, like a princess!" Of course, my heart melted and I had to buy that dress. I couldn't wait to wear it.

About ten days ago, I had my first appointment with my obstetrician and that is always the most exciting appointment. My son and I got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. They let him move the monitor around and even squirt the gel for the ultrasound. Last weekend, I started getting signs that something was wrong but it wasn't alarming. Then on Monday, the real trouble began. I called my obstetrician and she immediately had me schedule an ultrasound. Needless to say, I started panicking.

On Tuesday, during the ultrasound, the technician's body language told me I was going to get bad news. My son asked her where the baby was and she shook her head. Then he said, "The baby's good at playing hide and seek." When she asked me if I would mind doing an internal ultrasound, too, I knew that couldn't be good. She had me change into a gown and my son said, "That's really unbeautiful, Mommy." I had to laugh at that. Afterwards, I promised to take my son to the toy shop since he was well-behaved. While he played, I fought back the tears. Whenever the salespeople walked by, I turned my head away and pretend I was looking at the other toys 'cause I was afraid the tears would just spill out.

When we got home, I called my obstetrician to get the results. She said that she was sorry but she didn't have good news. I had lost the baby. I felt strangely calm while she explained what may have happened but there really is no explanation for these sorts of things. I listened while she told me what needed to happen next and gave me options to choose from. I told her I would have to think about it and call her back. Then I sat down next to my son and told him. He could tell I was upset and asked me not to be upset. I couldn't stop the tears from pouring out at that point and I told him it was hard not to be upset. It was a big deal. He wrapped his arms around me and we just both cried. A little while later, I called my husband at the office to tell him. There were more tears and he said he would leave right after his meeting was over and come home early. Right after that, I called my mom and cried some more. At the end of the conversation, she told me that she just wanted me to be happy no matter what happens. When my husband got home, he took our son out so I could be alone. I deal with my emotions much better this way. I think I bawled my eyes out for a good three hours.

A couple days later, I was sad to think that I would never wear the dress that my son and I loved so much. The boutique normally doesn't take returns but when I explained what happened, they agreed to refund it for me. I hated that I would never get to wear it but I didn't want to keep it either because it would just be a sad reminder and the money was better spent elsewhere. Now my son refers to that dress as "the girl dress that we took back". I love that he can make me smile even when my heart is broken. Needless to say, we have really spoiled him these last few days.

So that's why I haven't been around much. After I'm done with the physical healing, I'm really looking forward to blog surfing and seeing what all of you have been up to. I'm starting to feel a little more creative so hopefully I can even start participating in challenges again. Just know that I appreciate all of your kind comments here on the blog and private emails of concern. It really shows that you care about me even though I've been entirely absent for almost three months now. I feel exceptionally lucky to have such wonderful friends. I love each and every one of you.

90 comments:

Creations by Shirl said...

Oh my Emily~ I'm so sorry and I can imagine what you are going through. I'm speechless and just don't know how to express the sadness of it all. It was lucky that it was still at the early stage when it happened...
God Bless you and the family....
Take care and I will keep you all in my prayers..

Julie Hoffman said...

I'm deeply sorry for your family's loss Emily! It's absolutely heartbreaking. Sending Virtual Hugs and Real prayers your way!

Dawn's Craft Place said...

Oh sweetie I am so sorry for your loss...I have felt this pain and understand the deep sorrow it leaves...I will keep you and your family in my daily thoughts and prayers as you heal
Give yourself time to heal and don't worry about anything but yourself and family
A big Hug to you sweetie

Virginia L. said...

My eyes are wet after reading your heartfelt post, Emily! I can only imagine (the best I can)how difficult it must have been for you to go through this in the last little while. Sending you big healing hugs!I am going to e-mail/call you some time. PS: Hang in there...and keep doing what makes you happy. Your boy is so sweet! You must be so proud of him! xoxo

Lynne in NI said...

Ohhh that's just so sad Emily. My sympathies to you and your family.

Basement Stamper said...

Emily: So sorry to hear of your family's loss.

Annette said...

Emily my dear friend...my heart goes out to you and your family...I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my prayers and know that God will give you peace.

Bumblebee said...

I have no words, just virtual hugs.xxx

Lindsey said...

Lots of hugs and thoughts for you and the family.

Laurel said...

Oh, hugs to you. So very sad for you. I have lost a few pregnancies and I feel for you.

Angie said...

So sorry to hear your news. My thoughts are with you in this tough time.

Cecilia Hsieh said...

Emily, it is great in a way, that you are able to conceive. Some couples have trouble conceiving. Lost pregnancies are Nature's way of dealing with what is not right. So give it another go. I went through IVF twice with no success but never shared my story with anyone! Thank you for sharing your story, I love your cards btw!

Susan said...

Hugs and kisses to you all Em! xxox

Susan xxox stamponme.blogspot.com.au

Lynn said...

Emily, thank you for sharing your heart with us. I know that it is hard to you especially at such a difficult time. Sending lots of prayers and hugs to you my friend. Keep leaning on your family. Wish I was closer so that I could come chat with you in person. Lynn xx

Andrea R said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself and your family.

Stephanie said...

Emily, I'm so sorry :( My thoughts & prayers go out to you & your family

cassie said...

I'm so sorry, Emily. As I read your post it was like reading about my almost identical experience. It's a very difficult thing to go through. Thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

Anita Recksiedler said...

Oh Emily I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing this. You have written it beautifully and truthfully. I hope that into the future you will get that second child. A lot of people will say well at least this and at least that but it still doesn't take away or make better the hurt and the loss. Losing your baby is horrible it is your child and you would have loved him/her. I do know that the book Heaven is for Real has brought great comfort to several friends who have suffered loss. I won't give it away but I really hope you read it. :> It's bright yellow and very popular too. Wishing I was closer so I could give you a hug. :>

Tracey said...

My heart goes out to you Emily! I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. xx

Julie E said...

Oh Emily, I am sending you lots of hugs. May your little boy bring a smile to your face.

Jean said...

Emily, I can only imagine what you and your family are going through. Your open, honest writing is heartbreaking, and, at the same time, so touching. Hugs to you.

Kit said...

Emily, I'm so sorry to hear of your heartbreaking loss. It must take a lot of courage to give voice to such a personal story and I really did need tissues at the end so thanks for the warning. I hope you can find comfort and strength in our messages. It's great to see that you are finding the energy to be creative again. Hugs.

Christina said...

Emily, I really have no words to express how sorry I am for your loss. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and hope that your heartbreak will ease a little more with each passing day. Big hugs to you.

missstamper said...

Emily - my heart breaks for the loss you must be feeling. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. My teenage son and his friends have been driving me crazy today with their noise. Your post reminded me how lucky I am to have him and my girls. ((((hugs))))

cards by cara said...

Oh, Emily ... my heart goes out to you and your family during this difficult time. Sending you hugs. <3

Tenia Nelson said...

I am so so sorry for your loss. If you need to talk please do e-mail me....I totally know how you feel and it is very hard to talk about this and you my dear are very brave to do so. I will be praying for you and your family. Love you dearie soooooooo much!

Chunyuan said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss, Emily. You are brave to talk about it and share with us. Take good care of yourself. Sending you hugs and prayers. Your son is so considerate for his age. You must be very proud of hi!

Lisa Arana said...

You (and your family) are in my heart sweet friend. Hugs.

Jennifer said...

You don't know me, I'm a fairly new follower but I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. Sending you big hugs and healing thoughts.

Glenda J said...

Again.... fighting back tears my dear sweet friend. Love to you all. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}} So brave of you to share.

Heather said...

Oh Emily, my heart goes out to you. Tissues were definitely needed. My love and prayers are with you and your family.

Cornelie said...

My English is not that well to tell you how sorry I am! I can't find all the right words! I read this with tears in my eyes! I will wish you all the best!!
Hugs from me!!
Cornelie

lostinpaper said...

You & your family are amazing, my thoughts are with you at this sad time.

Jackie Rockwell said...

Oh Emily I was so moved by your words and saddened by your loss. I hope that all of the virtual prayers and hugs will comfort you at this difficult time. Sending healing thoughts to you and your family.

Pauline said...

Emily, I'm so sorry for your loss, just get yourself well again, and take comfort in the fact that not just your family & friends are there, but your blogging friends are too.
Big hugs to you xxx

joy said...

So sorry to hear about your loss, Emily! You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I can tell your son is going to provide a lot of comfort for you; what a special little guy! Hugs to you.

gRiSeL™ said...

Wow, Emily, I am SO sorry!! *hug* I am moved to tears with your story. I don't know what to say, except you are in my thoughts and prayers. May GOD comfort you and hold you in His loving arms during this difficult time... xoxoxo

crazymom said...

Blessings to you and your family. You are all in my prayers.

Jennie said...

Emily I am so so sorry to hear this. Your son sounds amazing and wonderful and I hope in time you heal.

Thinking of you and your family.
*massive hugs* xxxxx

Ashley H said...

So sorry for your loss.

xoxo

~amy~ said...

Oh girlie, my heart goes out to you...hang in there sista...

Karen Diebolt said...

Emily, I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be extremely difficult, take care of yourself first and foremost. The rest (blogging, designing, etc) will fall into place at the right time. *hugs*

Houses Built of Cards said...

Emily - my thoughts and prayers are with you through this difficult time!!! So sorry to hear about all of this - but praying for peace and comfort for both you and your family!

housesbuiltofcards@gmail.com
www.housesbuiltofcards.blogspot.com

Bethany said...

Emily-I am so sorry for your loss. I have missed you not being around.
I will be praying for you!
Remember that Jesus loves you!

Michelle Single said...

Emily,
I knew something had to be wrong, since you are so frequent in your posting. I'm so sorry it was that! You raised a fabulous son there who can make you smile in what seems like the worst of times. When it's meant to be, it will be. Until then, sending you virtual {{{hugs}}}

Roslyn said...

Emily, I am so sorry for your loss. Take good care of you and your precious little boy. Huge hugs.

Miriam Prantner said...

Emily, so sorry to hear about this. That's such a difficult thing to go through - we had a miscarriage also between #1 and #2. It'll continue to be a rollercoaster through this year as you pass those times that would have been milestones. Please know that I'm praying for you.

Chris - Creations in Bloom said...

Emily, I'm so very sorry for your family's loss. It's heart wrenching to read of your pain. I'll be praying for you and your family.

Stampingcaz said...

I am so sorry :( I suffered a miscarriage before both of my sons and it was heartbreaking both times.

Lots of love
Cazx

Vicki Dutcher said...

Oh Emily - I am so sorry for your loss! It is so hard when you want something so bad~ My prayers are with you that you continue to improve, and thankful you have your son to help you smile!

Debby said...

Emily your story brought it all back for me - we had a miscarriage at 20 weeks. I am speechless as to what to say to bring you comfort but please know that we are thinking of you and your family. I can say that we went on to have a beautiful baby boy so keep heart. *hugs*

Karin said...

You have my sympathy Emily...I'm heartbroken for you. Big hugs to you as you all continue to heal.

Isha said...

Sending you lots of hugs Emily. Take care of yourself and your hubby. You will get thru this sad phase of life. I know its a lot of pain but it sure will subside....I am telling you this cos of my personal experience. Keep busy.

Jenny said...

Oh Emily, my heart goes out to you both, such a sad story you so bravely told. Sending love and hugs, hold your head up and take comfort in your family around you, you will get thru this. Sounds as though you're little lad is going to take care of his mom .
Hugs
Jenny x

Jan Larson said...

Dear Emily, I am so saddened to learn of your miscarriage. Please know that I am sending healing thoughts and prayers for your body and your heart.

landerson213 said...

I am so so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Dana Nelson said...

I wish I could ease your burden, Emily.

Karen B. said...

Thinking of you Emily...

Barb said...

God bless you Emily xx

*Jennyfer L* said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
*Jennyfer L* said...

My heart and prayers go to you Emily and your family. I am lost for words. Be strong!

Trinh said...

My heart breaks for you, Emily. I hope your pain will be eased soon and time will bring you new happiness. I will keep you & your family in my prayers. Sending you a big hug!

Jocelyn Olson said...

*sniff, sniff* I am so sorry, Emily, and I wish I was there to give you a big hug.

Ujjwal said...

Oh My Emily! I had no idea of what's going on with you. I can completely understand your pain and I wish the dark days will be soon behind you and you will start feeling better. I am at a loss of words right now - thinking what can i say to make you feel better, typing and deleting this comment as I write. I just wish I could be with you and give you a BIG hug but here's sending you a Super BIG virtual hug for now! Take care of yourself!

Inge said...

Oh sweet Emily, I am so so sorry for your loss...sending you lots of hugs. You are in my thoughts, hang on sweetie. It sure is heartbreaking when you loose something so precious ...

Take care and (((HUGS)))for you and your family.

Inge XX

yyam said...

Oh my...I feel your pain Emily and my heart goes out to you for your loss. Please take care.

Robin said...

So sorry to hear of your loss Emily. Thinking of you...
Robin

Audrey said...

Emily, I am so sorry to hear your sad news. You will be in my thoughts and prayers as you work through your grief and physical healing. Big hugs to you!

c.darwin said...

I started following your blog because I enjoyed your creativity, but also started to love your sweet stories about your family. I hope that time will start to heal these wounds and I know that your son will continue to thrive with all the love you give him.

Jingle said...

Emily, I had a feeling from the Facebook posts. I am so very sorry! This is not an easy thing to go through! I'm so glad you have your son and that he loves you and makes you happy every day even when you have this hurt!

Sarah said...

Oh Em, my heart is breaking for you and your family. I'm relieved to hear that you have so much love and support from your family and friends. Please know that I count myself among them, and wish you the best as you continue to deal with everything.

Brenda said...

I am terribly sorry for this to have happened Emily! My loving hugs go out to you and your husband and son as you take the time you need in order to heal!

Alice Wertz said...

i am so sorry to here this, Emily. it must have been so hard and i wish i lived closer so that i can give you a hug. your boy has been amazing in dealing with this and i am hoping that he is helping in your journey of healing. i know nothing beats a physical hug, but still sending you lots and lots of love and smooches. take good care.

donna mikasa said...

Sweet Emily, I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you big hugs as you take the time to heal. My prayers go out to you and your family at this difficult time. And I think your son is amazing! He's all the medicine you need right now. Take good care.

Vicky Hayes said...

My dear Emily, I'm sending huge hugs across the world to you. Your wonderful relationship with your little son shines out of this blog and I can imagine your grief to have lost his sibling. Don't feel guilty about giving yourself time to come to terms with this - and never, ever give up. Vicky x

{VICKI} said...

So Sorry for your loss.
Sending you a great big hug--know you are in my thoughts and prayers

canadian_liner said...

Dear Emily, Just getting caught up with the blog-o-sphere after a weekend away, and read your beautiful tribute to a little soul. I'm so sorry for your loss and pain. Your readers have left lots of good thoughts and advice, so I'll just add my virtual hug.

Eline Jansens said...

Emily.. this post really leaves me speechless.. Surfing to your blog has become a daily routine. I love the creativity and humour that you put in your cards. I wish you only but the best in these difficult times. Virtual hugs for you, your husband and your adorable son! Take all the time you need. Don't stretch yourself trying to meet deadlines and participating challenges. You don't need to prove anything anymore: for me and I'm sure many others you're the best card designer around and a wonderfull person.

x

Eline

walchowDesign said...

I so sorry that I missed this posting, Emily! When I read your mail I was in tears and am truly sorry for your loss and pain! Sending you monster hugs to you and your family!

Marit said...

Oh Emily, I just read your story with tears in my eyes....6 months ago I also lost a baby, I was 2 months pregnant, so I know exactly what you must feel right now.... It helped me a lot to look at my beautiful son and realise how lucky I am to have him... Lots of hugs for you, take care!

Marit

Vera Yates (Ling) said...

Emily, I just found out about this. I am so sorry to hear this. I pray for strength and comfort for you. Thinking of you and sending you hugs.

Paper Smooches said...

(((((endless hugs are being sent your way))))

love you sweet girl

Kathie said...

Oh, Emily, my heart goes out to you. I stopped by your blog to let you know that I received the Card Creations Volume 10 that you sent to me and to say thank you. When I read about what you've gone through recently I felt saddened by the news. I also felt admiration for your courage and ability to share with us about your troubles. I am so sorry for your loss and I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

Kristie said...

I'm so sorry to read about your loss, Emily. I'm sending hugs and well wishes your way that you will be feeling better soon. Your son is so sweet for the things he said. Big hugs to you and your family!

Danielle Daws said...

Oh Emily. *hugs*

I've only just started following your blog (I have no idea what took me so long), but I wanted to reach out to you after reading this.

I have a different set of struggles, I always thought I'd have another baby too. I cry when I see friends having their second babies, mourning for a child that might have been. I can't imagine the grief you're feeling with such a loss.

BIG hugs.
xx

Smilie girl said...

Oh Emily, I realise I am a bit late to say this, but I am very sorry for your loss. My love to you all.

Kary said...

Emily, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. And, sorry that it took sometime to get to your blog. Sending a little prayer your way and take good care! {hugs}

jengd said...

So sorry to hear this! I'm glad you have such a fantastic support system and I'll be thinking of you. Wishing you peace.

deb said...

Your blog is new to me and I just saw this post as I was reading through past postings.

I'm sorry about your loss. I have experienced 3 miscarriages myself and know the pain of what you are going through. My sincere sympathy to you.

Sunghee said...

I am so sorry for your loss! I'm sorry i didnt know about it sooner and wasnt around to comfort you. I just read this post. I had two miscarriages, so i know what it is like. But, still, it is very difficult. I hope you are doing well. Hugs and kisses!